2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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