I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
