3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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