That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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