Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
