You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So squirting runs in the family.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
