If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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