I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize