This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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