Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
