I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
