I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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