Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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