sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
