Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
