Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
No subtext here. People are naked.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
