why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
