quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
