Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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