are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
