I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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