just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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