there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
