Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think your dad took our porno
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize