i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
