im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize