working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
