Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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