I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
