I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
