alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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