True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just threw up on my dentist
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
There's always time for handjobs
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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