I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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