We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
