i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
