don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
