And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
