I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
