Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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