College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
