i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
