Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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