While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
