Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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