Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
