New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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