Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
