Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize