Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
