She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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