If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
home. puking in laundry basket.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
