You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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