The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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