It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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