I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Boobs are out for the taking
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
