I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize