You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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