When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can tuck mytits in my pants
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
