connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
