after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
