Walk of Shame. In a state park.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
