sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize