i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
